When Things Go Wrong! Or Just Crazy
by Short-Stuff Serpent
Summary: Rated M just to be safe. Now we all know the evil dark side to death eaters. But we now get a look at some of the things that J.K rowling didn't record.
1. Evil Custard

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Chapter One

Disclaimer: i own none of the harry otter characters or places only the plot. isnt that right mr sock? It sure is! i think im crazy.

Voldemort, Lord of the...Custard?

* * *

It was one of those days Snape thought he had just been called into a death eater gathering where Voldemort had explained his latest plan. God he wished he hadn't killed Dumbledore!

FLASH BACK

"Muwah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha….gleeugghh" The death eaters waited patiently as the self proclaimed dark lord of evil violently coughed up phlegm.

2 Hours Later

"Gleugh curtwheeze…..Ahem, you!" he pointed at random death eater no #574896435329405443 "how dare you curse me! ABRA KEDABRA!" A bright white bunny squeezed out of voldemorts wand.

"Errrrm…. ah yes that will do, HA HA HA FEEL THE EVIL CUTENESS!" The death eater not wanting to die started screaming.

"HA HA HA HA…..Errmm, Oh darn I forgot my evil plan. Come back later."

So 1 week later they were called in once again to hear He-who-must-be-hyphenated plan.

"Now that Dumbledore is gone we can take Hogwarts down forever! But we still cannot access the school because of the wads!"

"Ehem… my lord don't you mean wards?"

"Crucio, imperio, avada kedavra" the death eaters face changes from pain to spaced out to lifeless in about 1 second

"Any woon else wanna correct me gramma?" one particularly stupid death muncher raised his hand only to have it swatted down by another.

"Good. Anyway we can get passed the WADS" he glared at the corpse "we shall drown school in………………………………………. EVIL CUSTARD!" Half the death eaters stared and the rest took off their robe and mask and requested an early pension.

END FLASH BACK

"Sir with all due respect is destroying Hogwarts with custard…."

"Evil custard"

"Evil custard that wise?"

"Yes for the genius is that they will try and eat their way out but once they eat it they will die!"

Some death eater's face regained some hope

"Ah so the custard is poisoned!" Snape said with sigh of relief.

"No but custard is very high in fat MUWAH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!" the hope that was gained quickly vanished along with at least 2/3 s of the remaining death eaters.

"Erm sir what makes it 'evil' custard?"

"I peed in it!" Voldemort giggled and all but snape, Lucius, Crabbe and Goyle (as they thought it was a brilliant idea) Draco and Ron (he had gone to the dark side when Voldemort offered free evil custard, and was at this moment violently being sick with a bowl of evil discarded custard on the floor) left the evil lair and handed themselves into the aurora's.

3 weeks later harry and Hermionie were trying o eat their way to charms

"This custard tastes weird" Harry remarked, Large amounts of evil laughter was heard in the distance.


	2. Firey Turd

**Chapter Two**

**The Flaming Turd In A Bag Trick But Not As We Know It**

**Disclaimer: I own none of the Harry Potter characters or places I only own the plot (Well, what there is of it) isn't that right Mr shoe!**

"Are you sure this will work my lord?" Ron asked nervously,

"Quiet of course it will I saw it on the telly!" Voldemort whispered quickly. They were currently standing outside of number 4-privet drive with a brown paper bag.

"Go on Draco I made it freshly myself" he said handing it to Draco

10 minutes later

"Ok here's another one, DON'T eat it!" Lucius slapped the bag away from his mouth.

"Now put it on the door step set it on fire ring the bell and run away!"

"Ok!" unfortunately Draco was stupid and did it in the wrong order so when Harry Potter answered the door he found Draco running away with a brown paper bag in his hand on fire.

He looked at the bottle of firewhiskey in his hand the twins had sent him.

"I have GOT to stop drinking this stuff" he murmured shaking his head and closing the door.

20 minutes and a crucio later

"Right now this has got to work cos I did it myself" whispered Voldemort, Ron sniggered

"Hmmm a flaming brown paper bag, god this must be the oldest gag ever, lucky I've recently become all powerful and can control fire"

Voldemort cried

"Hey wait this isn't turd its galleons,"

Voldemort cried harder

"And Diamonds, rubies"

Voldemort cried even harder

"A how to kill Voldemort in 3 easy steps book"

Voldemort cried so hard that his eyes fell out

"And a meatball sub………mmmmmm meatball sub"

Voldemort killed himself

"Oh wait this IS turd I'm just drunk out of my mind"

Voldemorts ghost killed itself

"Errrrm" murmured Ron "I wonder where he kept the rest of that cake?"

"What cake?" Lucius whispered

"The chocolate cake!"

"We didn't bring chocolate cake!"

"So what did I just eat?"

"Hey guys where's that dog turd gone I wanna hurl it off potter!"

Ron fainted

"Well that was unexpected!"


	3. Infiltration

**Chapter Three**

**Infiltration P1**

**Disclaimer: I own none of the Harry Potter characters or places I only own my shoe…Most of the time. Well on Mondays, Wednesdays and Saturday.**

Snape glared at his outfit. He was lost in his own thoughts. After the spectacular failings of his last two ideas Voldemort had stormed upstairs to sulk in his room. It had been peaceful for 3 whole hours before The Dark Lord had charged, well not so much charged as fell, down the stairs with his new 'flawless' idea. The next infiltration of Hogwarts!

His 'clever' idea was a way to enter Hogwarts by hiding in plain sight. No huge ruckus with darkness, yelling and curses. They would then kidnap Potter and …actually they hadn't exactly thought that far ahead. All the while simply gallivanting around right under McGonagall's nose!

And that was why he was glaring at the miniskirt in front of him.

Ok mabey I should exaggerate. The plan was to dress as Hogwarts schoolchildren and they had run out of boy's clothes. Well, that's what Lucius said any way, Snape didn't believe him. Malfoy senior had had it in for snape ever since he slipped him a potion that made him pee himself whenever he used to letter L, on the day he had a meeting with Voldermort. This was very problematic when it came to addressing The Dark **L**ord.

"We look ridiculous." Snarled Snape

"Seems fine to me." Said Ron as he fastened his cloak

"That's because you are a school child you dolt" Returned the annoyed potions master

"Well I think you look lovely Severus" Cooed Voldemort

"Yeah I think you look _adorable_ snapey" Smirked Lucius

Snape just glared.

"Well come on lets get a move on, im not paying you to stand around!" Called out Voldemort cheerfully

"Your not paying us anything" Muttered Snape

"What was that?"

"Nothing" Snare squeaked quickly

"No, you said we didn't get paid any…ooof" mumbled Crabbe after getting swatted by Snape

"I thought not" closed Voldemort spinning around, "lets go! Chop chop, into the minibus!"

"I don't like this one bit." Snape mentioned offhand,

"Oh shut up and get in the bus."

"Fine!……. Wait we don't have a minibus!"

**END OF PART ONE**

**OR IS IT?**

**YES.**

**---HPWTGW--- HPWTGW--- HPWTGW--- HPWTGW--- HPWTGW--- HPWTGW---**

Thanks for the review by the way Dark Priestess Tsubaki as can see I have updated :D

Hopefully this will put the story in 1000 words or over and I can get some more reviews. Heres hoping!

**---HPWTGW--- HPWTGW--- HPWTGW--- HPWTGW--- HPWTGW--- HPWTGW---**


	4. Authors Note

Authors Note

The story Infiltration will become a story of its own, so I will put the first chapter in as well and if you wish to continue reading it then it will be up under the same name.

Thank you

_SSS_


	5. Sheep

**Chapter Four  
Solar Powered Killing Sheep  
Disclaimer: I own none of the Harry Potter characters or places. I don't even own the title. I do however compliment whoever came up with that idea.**

Lord Voldemort was a happy camper indeed; his loyal Death Eaters had managed to secure the location of the order of the phoenixes new head quarters.

Draco had apparently stumbled upon the place whilst going for a pedicure. The fact that Draco had been going for a pedicure had not eluded The Dark Lord and his minions but in all honesty they had not been that surprised. They had however been surprised when Ron had compliment the work and claimed his pedicurist could never hope to produce such 'fabulous' results.

Voldemort had decided not to try a 'long drawn out frontal assault' (although he didn't actually know what half of the words meant) and had instead decided on stealth tactics (He didn't know what that meant either but he had seen it on TV. Why was Voldemort watching T.V.? Who knows?)

So he had ordered the HQ to be watched 24/7 to find weaknesses and what not.

"I'm bored." Whined Draco.

"Shut up Draco, this is a stealth mission." Hissed Lucius.

"I'm bored too." Ron piped in.

"Here's a pine-cone, amuse yourself"

"Ooooh pine cone!" Ron started to make spaceship noises whilst moving the pinecone around.

"I want a pine cone too daddy!"

"A Malfoy does not play with pine cones. We play with acorns"

"Can I have an acorn then daddy?"

"Do I look like I carry acorns around with me?"

"You carry pine cones around with you!"

"No I don't, a Malfoy doesn't carry pine cones around."

"Oh." Muttered Draco, now thoroughly confused. 

Back at Voldemort's' Base of operations

"I want to be the top hat!" Yelled Bellatrix (who had been in Narnia, don't ask) enthusiastically.

"Race car!" grunted Crabbe

"What do you want to be Severus?" asked a familiar voice 

"Dumbledore!?!!?!?!?" Gasped Snape "But your dead!" 

"YEEEHAAA!" Dumbledore then threw a lemon drop at Voldemort and vanished.

Voldemort blinked as a lemon drop hit him in the head and looked up to see the (supposedly) dead leader of the light disappear in a cloud of smoke. The Dark Lord blinked again and rubbed his eyes.

"Well that was unexpected." Voldemort muttered as he massaged his temples. Suddenly "The Shins – Phantom limb" ring tone broke the shocked silence that had settled over the monopoly playing death eaters.

Voldemort narrowed his eyes.

"WHAT THE HELL IS THAT!" Screamed Voldemort, secretly terrified.

"That's a ring tone from a muggle cell phone." A voice supplied helpfully.

"Who are you?"

"YEEEEEHAAAAA!" Another lemon drop went sailing through the air and hit Voldemort between the eyes.

"Oh for the love of…. Piss off Dumbledore! You're dead!"

Silence. Voldemort perked up, the ringing had stopped. Thank Merlin, the death eaters resumed their previously forgotten game and Voldemort went back to reading 'Wheres Waldo'. Finally, peace at last.

The ringing started again.

"AHHHHHHHH…Oh wait its mine, heh. Hello Lucius!"

Snape just sighed and returned to his favorite book '1001 ways to hurt, kill and maim children'. Bliss. 

"Ok Death Eaters, Lucius and the children have been watching the HQ for a week, its time to strike!"

The cheers could be hear miles away, they had been playing monopoly for a solid week. Bellatrix was ready to eat the board.

"Ok Men!" Yelled The Dark Lord enthusiastically "And Women!" he yelled more out of fear of the glare Bellatrix than anything else. "Lets go!" 

And they disappeared with a crack of apparation, well, all except Crabbe who was trying to steal the fake monopoly money.

Back at the Order of the Phoenixes HQ

The sound of a large group apparating into a muggle street was enough to cause utter chaos. Each Death Eater started firing off jelly legs curse (they had gotten bored of the killing curse) and the tickling jinx (more affective than the crucius according to Voldemort.) Lucius and Bellatrix in a once in a life time efficient move send a reducto curse simultaneously at the door and took cover behind the wall waiting for any escapees. Ron and Draco quickly cast a shield charm and charged in swiftly followed by every other death eater. After checking every room except the meeting room (where movement was seen) Lord Voldemort himself strode in. Kicking the door down in a cool action movie sort of way he stepped in.

To face a herd of sheep.

"…."   
"…."  
"…."  
"…."  
"AIEEEEEEEEEEE!" Voldemort screamed in terror and ran for his life.

"Voldemort's scared of sheep?" Lucius muttered  
"Well that was unexpected."   
"YEEEEEHAAAAAA!"  
Whack

"I hate you Dumbledore"


End file.
